On life

"Matilda said, "Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable...""

- Roald Dahl's Matilda (a forever ago favorite)

On Kristi, too

"And you. You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning."

On phone calls to my mother

"What? Oh, dancing. Like Beyonce."

On books

"No more talk about the death of the novel; the novel will be at your funeral."

-Richard Price

On allergies

"I didn't realize there was so much cocaine in Claritin."

On Blazing Saddles

"I mean, come on, I like farts a lot more than my mom likes farts."

On NBC

"All I ask is one thing, and I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch: Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, I'm telling you, amazing things will happen."

-Conan

On flirting

"How do you think I got so much tail at church camp?"

On January

"There's nothing good in January. Don't even say MLK Day. I know he's a good guy, but he just doesn't give me that warm, fuzzy feeling."

On fashion

"Okay, dude, honesty hour. Do I look like a lumberjack today?"

On Apples To Apples

"The most flirtatious? Choir boys, cause they're asking for it."

On texting

"Oh come on, T9 word. You don't recognize rhombus?"

-B

On culinary arts

"Not that I'm bragging or anything, but the last time I made this, I got mad bitches."

-M.Z.

On rules to live by

"Never wear lip gloss onstage. Your hair will stick to it when you head-bang."

-Taylor Swift

On zinging

“Bring it on, William. I’m reasonably confident you’ll be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at. Next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian.”

- The amazing Jane Lynch on "Glee"

On proper identification

"Oh, I don't have my I.D. Would you like to see my crown?"

- Miss America to Hearst security.

On lunch

"These croutons are amazing. I'm going to eat them like candy."

-K

On good cheer

"We'll just make muffins and call it a muffin party."

- K

On college

"Freshman year, I made out with a boy in an apartment above Crescent Donuts once. What was his name? Bobby? I don't know. I think we're Facebook friends, though."

- K

On affluence

"I just asked our PR girl where she got cute rain boots. You know, trying to be nice, bond.

"Saks"

Good grief. I had to look up how to spell it, let alone could I ever afford to shop there."


- K